Rule No. 1. After you're read your comic books, don't throw them away.

Rule No. 2. What ?!? You haven't washed your hands? Get into that bathroom and don't ever let me catch your touching your comics without washing first! I slave to make you a good storyline and what thanks do I get? You don't appreciate it! Where have those hands been?? Do you hear me? I'm talking to you!!

Rule No. 3. Count your staples. If there's only one, you've got a problem. Three is weird, but okay. Four or more, seek professional advice.

Rule No. 4. Always hold your comics with two hands. Never hold a book with only one hand, as this can lead to mutilation and blindness.

Rule No. 5. Bag your comics. You may prefer one of the plastic bag types - vinyl, PVC, polyethylene, polypropylene, cellphane - that normally hold up to four comics each. I personally prefer a standard-sized brown paper grocery sack. you can usually obtain them free from your mom, and they will each hold up to 277 comics! (One stipulation: brown paper grocery sacks are highly acidic and will probably ause your comic books to become brittle and discolored over a couple of decades. But don't worry, you'll be grown up by then.)

Rule No. 6. Different comics have different monetary values. For example, the comic book you are holding now is worth, say, a dinner for two at Beefsteak Charlie's. On the other hand, a copy of Teen Titans #1 is worth two Cadillac Sevilles and an all-expenses-paid trip for two to Waikiki. Superman #1 is worth you girlfriend.

Rule No. 7. A comic book is not a toy. Glad we got that straight.

Rule No. 8. Never, never, never clip cupons out of your comics books. Not even if the coupon says "clip on the dotted line." Not even if it says "ignore Rule No. 8."

Rule No. 9. Never write your name and address in your comic books. Just your name will do.

Rule No. 10. Don't rest your comic books on flammable surfaces, such as stove ranges, burning logs, barbeque grills or charcoal pits.

Rule N0. 11. Grading your comics: Before assessing the value of a comic book, you must first determine its state of preservation, utilizing the following standardized grading system.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS (TO): A perfect copy, one which has never been read. (That's why we bust our buns on these books, day in and day out. So you can rush them home from the store and sit on them for thirty years.)
OUTRAGEOUS! (O!): Almost perfect copy; only the indicia has been read.
LIKE, OUTRAGEOUS (L,O): Slight wear beginning to show; somebody's been perusing the letters column.
TRULY AWESOME (T&A): Read once, all the way through, and then immediately stored away.
AWESOME! (A!): Read two times, all the way through, and then immediately stored.
REALLY BITCHIN (R&B): Passed around a large family, but not to the dog.
BITCHIN! (B!): Passed around a large family, and then to the dog.
FOR SURE (FS): Barber shop copy.
GRODY (g): Army surplus.

Rule NO. 12. Don't use Silly Putty to make backwards images of your favorite comic book characters. Are you out of your mind?

Rule No. 13. Don't take your comic books to bed with you. It's not healthy.

Rule No. 14. Don't sneeze on your comics. There'll be plenty of time for that later.

Rule No. 15. Never stack your comics more than 16,000 high.

Rule No. 16. Now that you're tried stacking your comics 16,000 high, don't do it again!

Rule No. 17. In case of fire, your place is with the Collection.

Rule No. 18. Store your comics in ascending numberical order, alphabetically by title, subdivided - also alphabetically - into companies, keeping a cross-file on 3x5 cards. Or just heap 'em in a closet.

Rule No. 19. Have you ever though of starting an index listing all of the issues that feature work by your favorite artist? Well, forget it.

Rule No. 20. Your comic book collection is worth a fortune. (Show this rule to your folks.)

Rule No. 21. Don't buy multiple copies of first issues. It's so predicatble.

Rule No. 22. Have fun. After all, that's what it's all about. Which brings us to...

Rule No. 23. Don't follow rules.

Rule No. 24. Reread Rule No. 23, fanboy.